At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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