I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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