I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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