I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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