Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
