I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
