she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
