there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
