It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my sisters under your porch take her home
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
