there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
