I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
