I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
