i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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