is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
