i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
