Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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