he wants to bone in the snuggie
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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