just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Randomize
