After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
