Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
