im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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