between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
