Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
