I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
