My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
