take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
