my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
