Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm passing your future prison.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
