is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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