I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
