im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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