If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
