Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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