Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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