You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am available for nakedness
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
