I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
