I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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