This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
