i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
