I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
