Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
