It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
