She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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