I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
