I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
