He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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