i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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