Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
