So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
