Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
